Rob Zombie is usually a pretty good film-maker, based on what I have heard and my personal opinion of House of 1,000 Corpses. With Halloween, however, Rob Zombie must have either been asleep during filming or relying on the advice of his ten-year-old Michael, Daeg Faerch, for plot line and visuals.
The movie starts off with some mildly engaging scenes from Michael Myers' childhood. Apparently his home life sucked and he liked to kill animals. Then, after he murders a few people, he goes into an insane asylum where Malcolm McDowell, Michael's psychiatrist, sits around and laments his limited social life. Eventually Michael kills Danny Trejo, the only character I cared about in the movie, and escapes from the asylum as the plot degenerates. Michael kills everyone he can for no reason, much like he did in the original Halloween movies. This time, however, since Michael is the main character, it is hard to feel bad about any of the murders. None of the people he kills are likeable or possible to relate to in any way, unless you are a wacky truck driver or an oversexed teenage girl.
At some point it becomes apparent that Michael is after his little sister, his only surviving family member. Unfortunately, around the same time the film becomes incoherently dark and for entire scenes it is literally impossible to figure out what is happening. I think maybe at first Michael wanted to meet his sister, but then later wanted to kill her, and maybe did. I couldn't tell. My friend thought he ripped off her hands, which is as accurate an interpretation of the scene as any.
Overall this film sucked and was a waste of the two hours we had to kill before 3:10 to Yuma started. None of the slayings were graphic or gruesome. They were only implied through a lot of blurry, quickly-cut camera shots, some Psycho-esque montages, and wet, slurping noises. There was also no suspense whatsoever, except maybe in the end because I was waiting to see if the film would brighten up so I could find out what happened. The only consolation for this drawn-out, lifeless monstrosity was a brief glimpse of Sheri Moon Zombie's ass and some shots of a few teenage girls' sub-par tits. If I'm going to leave the comfort of my home for two hours for the sole reward of some boobie shots, the boobs better be superior to what I could see when I look in my own mirror (and these alleged superior boobs do not exist).
Halloween drags along into darkness (kind of like Michael drags his victims' bodies into darkness! ha!) and then assumably drags on some more. If the sound had gone out instead of the visuals maybe I could have at least had a conversation, but unfortunately, the Brail markers leading us through the last 20 minutes of the film consisted of loud breathing and stuff being smashed. I felt like asking for my money back after the film, but then remembered that I didn't pay. Halloween isn't worth going out to see, isn't worth renting, and isn't worth watching on TV. I really hope that five years from now USA is still showing the John Carpenter series during the month of October and the world is allowed to forget that Rob Zombie tried to remake a movie.
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